We Cannot Escape Ourselves
I sometimes imagine that we all exist in two. If not, how then to explain those moments when we get angry with ourselves, blaming ourselves for all the things we have done and regretted? Who is the target of our hostility? Who receives all of it? For that matter, who is the aggressor? When the fight is happening in our heads, it can feel like a mirror broken in two taking up our whole body.
The truth is that there is no escape from this dynamic. We are usually the hardest on those who are closest to us, and how much closer can you get than living inside of you? This means that we usually punish and torture ourselves harder than we do other people, made worse by the fact that we know ourselves all too well.
We are stuck in our own bodies until death comes for us, and even then, even if we have incorporeal selves, we might still be trapped. Who knows? We are stuck with the same set of arms and legs, the same beating heart, the same minds and experiences and pasts.
We might as well learn to stop fighting ourselves, and if we can, to love us too.
By love, what I mean is to accept ourselves as bumbling, messed up beings capable of much evil and good against us and against others, but this fact does not make us intrinsically bad or hopeless, nor does it make us innately good. What I’d like to believe is that it shows us the potential we have of being in a better place and state than where we presently are.
Sometimes, it seems so easy to fall into the same patterns of anxiety and sadness, to let ourselves come back over and over to the darkness because that is what we’re used to.
Comforting and safe, even. I should know. I have found myself saying that I do not know who I will be if I’m not depressed or anxious, and until now, it’s a continuous decision not to succumb to that way of thinking. It’s hard to tell where to draw the line, let alone be sufficiently strong to follow through.
The trick here, though, is to keep in mind that the goal for loving and accepting ourselves is not happiness. What is that anyway? The goal is to be able to experience peace from time to time, to be able to look at ourselves and be pleasantly surprised to know that we are content with what we have right now. Let us not expect permanence, but instead, practice gratefulness for the moments when there is more light than gray in our lives.
Those days will come, but it will not be easy. It will be a real fucker of a process, day by day, hour by hour, and we will fail so many times we’d wonder if it’s even doable at all. We will hate ourselves and want to be someone else, we will feel tempted to jump out of our own skins and move into another body which hopefully isn’t scarred the way ours already are. We’ll want to take the easy way out, to just run and run and run away from who we are until it can’t catch up with us anymore.
Sometimes we’ll need the pills to fill up what feels empty. Sometimes we’ll need the alcohol and the cigarettes and the bad friends, the one-night stands that make our skin crawl in the morning, the bad decisions and relationships and regrets. We’ll need the 3am cry fests and empty sobs that feel like they’ll break ribs, the numbness, the confusion and the feeling that we are adrift and alone without a home.
It’s okay.
The most important thing is that we try, anyway.
I think that out of all the people that surround us, out of everyone we claim we love, the one person who deserves all the chances from us is ourselves. We deserve our own forgiveness. We deserve infinite kindness from the only self we will ever have.
Since we cannot escape ourselves, how about we become our biggest fans instead?
26.05.13 //2
May. 22, 2013
Know yourself. Watch for the things that most heavily lift or sink your heart. These are the markers of who you are. Look at your qualities objectively, especially when they are less than appealing, these are just as important as the great things about you are. Don’t work on accepting the person you project to other people.
Be ready to be vulnerable and imperfect. You don’t have to like your imperfections, but you do have to be able to sit with them, acknowledge them and embrace that they are present in you for one reason or another. Dig and find the root of what cultivated them. Work on undoing what needs to be undone; work on being better.
This self-acceptance business is not an excuse to be a terrible person. If being yourself means this, you will deal with the consequences of your actions in due time. Don’t think that because you are “being yourself” you are excused from anything that is derogatory toward or detrimental to someone else.
Know that you are or will be loved for the things you find unlovable. Some things I’ve loved most about people are the things they’ve later said to be most self-conscious of. The ways in which you don’t fit into the mold of a socially-generated-perfect-human are the ways in which you are unique and they are the things about you that the right people will be most enamored by.
Baby steps. Don’t expect anything immediately and be good to yourself for trying. Overhauling your entire life in a day will not end well, go ahead and try if you don’t believe me.
Understand that a large element of this is choice. While I don’t believe you can change who you innately are, I do believe that you can choose to take life from the perspective of your best self. Choose to do that. Choose to keep going even when challenges arise. Choose to forgive yourself for your moments of indiscretion.
Realize you are not the summation of your past. It is part of you, it is your story, and it has helped craft you, but it is not who you innately are. You can always choose differently. You are a beautiful person for admitting that you are only human and you’ve done wrong, but you’re working on it.
Nobody else can heal you
I’m not saying you have to have it all seamlessly together to be loved. I actually think that real love grows when someone finds unspeakable beauty in the place you’ve been cut open. But the thing is, you can’t expect someone else to heal those wounds. They can love you and that love can facilitate healing, but you are the only person who can heal yourself. Nobody else will ever be able to alleviate your burdens. It may seem like it for a little while, but the brokenness of your foundation will always show eventually.
Yes, love is transformative and enlightening and humbling and probably the most real thing we can experience. It is responsible for a whole slew of miraculousness, but romantic love will not solve your problems. The high you get from the newness of someone will eventually subside, as it always does, and you’ll be left even more raw than you were before, facing the brutal reality that the thing you were waiting for to fix everything didn’t.
It’s for this reason that I believe we often see people undergoing self-transformations after breakups. Of course there are other reasons for these behaviors, but I do think that in many cases, it has to do with people realizing that nobody else is responsible for resolving their own issues.
I know many couples who have found one another and rely on each other to function. They are the epitome of unhealthy, and what they all have in common is that they all found their partners while they were honestly broken people.
People and love can be the most integral part of the healing process. But you can’t just wait for somebody else to do the work. You have to get your ass on the floor, realize that you’re imperfect and you feel unworthy and you’ve made mistakes and you’re afraid of this and that and the other thing. You have to come to terms with these things that are inside you. You don’t have to like them. You just have to be able to sit with them. You have to be okay enough to still be standing on your own if and when somebody leaves you there.
The happily ever after will not save you, and the love of your life will not heal you. They will only love you, and while that may facilitate great healing, it can also be the source of your demise if things don’t work out until the day you die of old age. If your peace and acceptance is contingent on someone else, and if your hope is external, you do not really have any of those things. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you do, it will be a price that you alone will have to pay.
about relationships
You’re single because you’re single. It’s not because you texted too much or too little or waited 33 minutes to respond because he took 23. It’s not because you met up with your ex that night at 5 a.m. that no one knows about, or because you kissed another boy after a date with a loser.
You’re not single because you spit food on that date or tripped coming out the the movie theatre. You’re not single because you hurt your first boyfriend really badly when you were 15 or because you have yet, to this day, to apologize. It’s not because you were secretly jealous when your friend got a boyfriend or that a guy you dated for two months now has a really cute girlfriend and looks really happy. And you’re happy for him. But still ill that he found someone before you.
You’re not single because you slept with your ex boyfriend. You’re not single because half the world found out when you didn’t even want to remember it yourself. You’re not single because you think the guy your friend wants to hook you up with is ugly or not tall enough. It’s not because you’re not willing to put up with someone who doesn’t brush their teeth on a regular basis.
You’re not single because your standards are too high. Good for you for having standards. It’s not because you didn’t like that really, really good guy who wanted to take you on a date and you just weren’t feeling it. And it’s not because you like to wear pajama pants as soon as you get home and wash all the makeup off your face. You’re not single because you didn’t learn enough from the past or would rather chill on a Friday night with your blanket and a cold beer than shower, get ready, and go out. You’re not single because something is wrong with you.
You are single because you are single. It’s really as simple as that. You haven’t made the connection with another heart yet. You can get dolled up, dress cute, cut your hair, dye your hair, tweeze your eyebrows, put on lipstick and you may still. be. single. You can go out to a bar hoping to meet the love of your life and not find a damn one in the place attractive. And it’s going to remain that way until it’s time for you to find one. Stop hoping for it. Start living the life that you do have instead of wishing for things that you don’t have. There will come a time you’ll meet a boy and you’ll have to give up some of this single freedom you currently have. Start being more thankful. Start doing that now.
about self esteem
“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
“You don't have to be skinny, but just eating right and doing 15 minutes of a walk is enough to keep your body healthy for as long as you live.”
“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.”
- Lucy Howard-Taylor, Biting Anorexia
“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.”
- YOU AREN'T AN IDIOT FOR DOING SOMETHING WRONG
- YOU AREN'T AN IDIOT FOR SAYING SOMETHING WRONG
- YOU AREN'T AN IDIOT FOR NOT KNOWING SOMETHING
- YOU AREN'T AN IDIOT
- YOU ARE A WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING AND I LOVE YOU SO, SO MUCH
Tired of people
Stop hating your body
10 Ways To Become Confident
- Smile. Not only will it brighten your day, but it will make others around you smile, too.
- At the end of each day write down something you think you did well. E.g I stood up for a girl who was being bullied in class today.
- Listen to songs that make you happy, not ones that make you want to shut yourself off from the world and cry all by yourself in your room.
- Believe that you're in a confidence bubble. Kind of like, you're wearing an invisibility coat.
- Love what you wear. When you look good, it changes the way you feel. This will make you confident with presentencing yourself to society.
- Walk with purpose. Walk like you have got somewhere to be.
- Make eye contact with the person you're talking to or are talking.
- Next time you're at a party meet someone new. The girl by herself in the corner looks like a good person to start with...
- Clear out the clutter in your life. A messy room equals a messy mind.
- Stop comparing yourself to others. Focusing on your positive qualities, rather than comparing yourself to others, is a great way too boost self-confidence.