Hi everyone! Recently I've had fifty-one million thoughts in my head that goes around and around and around and I feel that no, I can't live like this anymore. Without exaggerating I have got anxiety about literally EVERYTHING twenty-four/seven and it's chewing on me from the inside. All kinds of anxiety you can imagine. It's so lame really because I go around worrying and over-thinking the smallest things that have no impact on my life in any way. I blow everything out of proportion. I have performance anxiety (have had it all my life but it has gotten much worse). Will I ever feel good enough?

I never feel satisfied with school work and I can't ever get praised. In the latest development conversation I had with my teacher it was the first time ever that they didn't said anything about that I talk too little. That I have to raise my hand more because they know that I have the knowledge. I have improved so much and the teacher told my dad that he should be proud of me because he has an "incredibly talented" daughter. See? Even that I couldn't write without adding quotation marks because it felt so wrong to be described like that. A couple of weeks back we had to write a big religion essay and my teacher just told me I will get the highest grade - still, I felt neither excited or even close to satisfied. Another classic example is when I got an A in art. My teacher informed me about that after a lesson and he asked me "Why do you look so sad? Had you hoped for a lower grade?". I was not happy at all and did not feel worthy of that A. I even refused to tell my classmates what I got because I was ashamed. I was ashamed WHEN I GOT THE HIGHEST GRADE POSSIBLE!! Do you see what I mean? Anxiety everywhere and when I get a good result I feel nothing but bad. I have soaring expectations no matter what I do. About everything. It makes me so tired and sad.

I can not do anything without getting anxiety. Thoughts like:
am I really working out enough
I think I'm eating too unhealthy now
I have to study
my parents must be so disappointed at how I turned out, they probably regret that I was born
everyone's probably lying when they say they like me
I waste too much money
I will never get a job in the future
I need to be more outgoing
I gotta answer all questions I've received
I have to blog
I need to drink more water
I need to get more sleep
I need to get more money
are living in my head every hour of the day and I'm afraid I won't be able to cope for much longer. You wanted a more personal blog - here you have it. I guess this also proves that I'm not perfect, not even close.