preparations
date: 2013-06-30 
time: 23:26:00
time: 23:26:00okay this day didn't really start as good as i would have wished because i was having panic attacks so severe that i couldn't breathe properly and i could hear my heart beat away in my chest lol and yeah it wasn't very enjoyable ~
but it got better and i managed to find everything on my packing list so now my floor is filled with clothes and stuff but the good thing is that i'm getting excited by just glancing around and omg i'm going to america!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
basically the reason i decided to blog was so i could make a check list for the things i need to do tomorrow so i don't forget anything so ignore lil bubs if you're not interested!!!!!!!
- take a long shower and shave and maybe do a facial
- pack!!!!!!!
- write down what i've packed so i don't forget anything in america when i'm going home
- buy stuff (chewing gum / protein bars / dried fruit / dental floss / shaving foam / tweezers / band-aids)
- clean my room and close my window!!!!!!!
- re-paint my nails
- maybe pluck my eyebrows
- iron my clothes
- pick out what clothes i'm gonna wear on the airplane
- go to the library and perhaps borrow a book or two
- fill in all the cards and stuff from sts
- double check so i have copied every paper i'm supposed to copy
- charge my phone / computer / camera
- write down my mail / blog / instagram to my mom and dad and grandparents
- cleanse my make up brushes
- fix a lock combination on my phone
- make room in my phone
- print new set-ups of all the papers i'm bringing
- give cassandra my password to IG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- i think that's about it busy day i'm freaking out again bye
lists /
/ 0 comments
19:06
date: 2013-06-30 time: 19:06:23
time: 19:06:23stop posting your 'eating disorder story' or having 'my story' links on your blog!!!!!!! your mental illness is not a story!!! your mental illness does not make you a character of fiction or the tortured star of a dramatic film!! getting everything sorted in your head is one thing (so is writing a cautionary novel or a poem or anything that helps you purge your feelings about your struggles) BUT emphatically detailing 'your story' is another!! you soften the edges to include the time you cried delicately after fasting for four days but not the time you spent an hour shitting forty laxatives! you rattle off the number of times you went to the hospital and the number of years you suffered as if it is something of an accomplishment!!! it's not!! you are inadvertently glamorizing your illness!!!!!!!!!!! stop!!!!
deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /
/ 0 comments
18:38
date: 2013-06-30 time: 18:39:06
time: 18:39:06my lungs are wet i took them out of
my body while i was
asleep and left them in the rain
and
when i woke up my lungs were back
in my body and i realized i'm
not any better than the dead animal
i saw on the side of the road
last month
you saw it too but you pretended you didn't
i said i wasn't sick but i am
poems /
/ 0 comments
.
date: 2013-06-28 time: 01:08:40
time: 01:08:40do not say "no one knows i am dying inside"
as if it is some badge of honor
the "mask you wear" is nothing to brag about
neither is the "smile you fake every single day"
it is hard to not be okay and i am sorry for that
but pretending you are okay is the easy part
be brave
and tell someone
reach out to a friend or family member
because i am done awarding you sympathy points
you are not a trooper
you are an actor playing the part expected of you
do not pretend that you have built
these layers of armor to protect others
you are not a martyr
you are a scared girl who thinks
the best way to get attention is to pretend you detest it
stop
strong isn't suffering in silence
strong is asking for help
that is the hardest thing
so shut up and talk to someone
poems /
/ 0 comments
.
date: 2013-06-28 time: 01:03:09
time: 01:03:09one day you will put on comfortable clothes that smell like fabric softener and meander over to a sunlit bed carrying a mug of tea warmer than your t-shirt after its spin in the dryer, and you will lay down next to someone who finds amusement in the slight squint of your eyes against the bright rays that flood through the open window with air that tastes like winter, someone who will wait until you have placed that mug, empty, on the bedside table before kissing you roughly and fucking you softly and then the other way around until the sun gives way to the moon which gives way to cloudy inevitability, and you breathe loudly and simultaneously with the person you love, watching the snow fall outside the window, your dryer-spun clothes crumpled on the hardwood floors.
deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /
/ 0 comments
uh thoughts
date: 2013-06-28 time: 00:52:11
time: 00:52:11tbh one reason i think religion exists is that people are scared like not just of the unknown or of death, but of themselves. people are scared of their own power. they are scared of what they will do knowing complete sovereignty over their own lives. they are scared of making their own rules, scared of doing what they enjoy without restriction, scared of feeling happiness without also feeling guilt.
deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /
/ 0 comments
reasons to quit
date: 2013-06-28 time: 00:48:52
time: 00:48:52but imagine just leaving one night and flying to jamaica or france or italy or australia or south korea or somewhere and not telling anyone where you are or where you're going next (but making sure to call your mom at least once a week to let her know that you're still alive and no you're not coming home soon and no this isn't about a boy it's about you and how you need to not feel like the walls are closing in around you anymore) and sending postcards from all over to people who spent their whole lives wrapped like shackles around your ankles and not signing them but instead writing lines from hemingway novels or dickinson poems or maybe just writing "fuck you" and letting them wonder about the postmarks and wonder about you and hoping they feel sick to their stomach when they think about their mediocre lives and maybe you'll end up changing your name and working in a flower shop on the coast of spain (even though high school spanish really, really didn't prepare you for this) and you'll go down to the beach every night and dig your hands into the sand and finally, finally feel like you can breathe
deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /
/ 0 comments
.
date: 2013-06-27 time: 16:51:29
time: 16:51:29the reason nobody writes realistic stories/makes realistic television shows about sufferers of mental illness is that realistic mental illness is not exciting (or fun or even all that fucking interesting) to watch. a lot of times realistic mental illness is lying in your bed alone for a week straight and moving only to cry and puke. a lot of times it's looking ugly as fuck bc you haven't showered in days. a lot of times it's daily life, just with everything slower and harder.
like if i'm gonna write a story about someone with a mental illness i'm gonna make her the way i wish everyone's mental illnesses had played out. i'm going to make it a story with a beginning, middle, and end. i'm going to give her a support system. i'm going to make her pretty and loved, because let's be honest in the few moments when people are not wishing they were mentally stable, they're wishing they had been that perfect victim we're all too familiar with. everyone wants to write about the pixie because that's the fantasy and fantasy is more alluring than reality.
deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /
/ 0 comments
poem
date: 2013-06-27 time: 16:35:57
time: 16:35:57some numbers are prettier than others
neater and cleaner and safer
there isn't always a reason
for example
i can't explain why monday is yellow
tuesday blue wednesday green thursday purple
friday and saturday red
sunday yellow like monday
like butter
like the forsythia bush your mother tends to
like the summer dress you didn't buy last week
because it made you cry at the mirror
and like the sunlight through the window
you stare up at the glass entranced
lying on your kitchen floor in a blessedly empty house
friday's hue striping your left wrist and right thigh
you're thinking that today would be a nice day to die.
poems /
/ 0 comments
27.june
date: 2013-06-27 time: 16:26:31
time: 16:26:31stop apologizing when you know you have nothing to be sorry for
stop saying thank you for contrived compliments paid by someone trying to fuck you
stop explaining yourself to people who are faking concern to satisfy their curiosity
you don't owe anyone a part of you because you belong entirely to yourself
deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /
/ 0 comments
you're a person
date: 2013-06-27 time: 04:12:16
time: 04:12:16you are a person. you are more than the things that surround you. there are things turned inward, too.
you are your concave self, even when it is too dark and eerie and you are scared to visit. that will not stop others. they wonder and remember.
you occupy space in their lives and their minds. your friends think about you sometimes. they think positive things. sometimes strangers think positive things about you too.
you are more than just the physical body you inhabit. removing it would not erase your presence on the earth. others have already tracked bits of you into their homes.
you are scattered everywhere, some days by way of a dandelion caught by the wind, seeds sown randomly but pervasively, and other times like a daisy, petals plucked carefully by those searching for an answer.
everyone you know has pieces of you that they cherish, nourish with each breath and bite and sip and slumber.
we are all composed entirely of grains of sand stolen from nearby beaches by the ocean that washes ceaselessly over us. so every person is an island, and no person is alone.
do not forget that you are a person.
deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /
/ 0 comments
list of things that make me unambigously happy:
date: 2013-06-27 time: 04:04:49
time: 04:04:49- wearing blue
- flavored sparkling water
- friends (the tv show)
- making lists
- supernatural
- tea
- chocolate
- harry styles
- driving for a while
- riding my bike
- cantaloupe
- cleaning my room on sundays
- checking out books from the library
- when people care about animals
- sentences so perfect and eloquent they sting a bit in a good way each time you read them
- long car rides on nice highways
- deserted beaches
lists /
/ 0 comments
veganism
date: 2013-06-27 time: 02:19:27
time: 02:19:27there's a difference between a vegan who thinks they're better than everyone else (you're probably not fyi your iphone probably cost the lives of coltan miners in the drc and it's likely that a cambodian child worked himself sick to make your coat) and a vegan who talks about their cause because it's something they care about
vegans who talk about why they are vegan (especially when asked, which happens remarkably often) are not bad people, nor are they in any worse than vegans who keep quiet about it
people are allowed to talk about things they care about!!!! they are not trying to prove they are a better person than you and if they are hate them bc they're an asshole don't hate them bc they're vegan!! if you are secure in your own beliefs and with your own conscience then you won't be offended!!!
deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /
/ 0 comments
bored
date: 2013-06-26 time: 17:00:32
time: 17:00:321. Whats your favorite color?
dusty pink or peach i think i'm not really sure there are so many be
2. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
uhm manhattan omfg
3. Who do you love, and why?
i love a lot of people
4. Are you a secretive person? Or are you more of an “open book”?
it really depends on what the subject is like i tell people a lot about myself like everything except my thoughts i'm very protective over them but like i'll practically tell you whatever information you want me to
5. Do you like to party?
nah not a big fan
6. What grade are you in?
tenth i suppose
7. Whats your favorite school subject?
english
8. Sexual Orientation?
i don't like labels but i've never liked anything else than boys so
9. Single/Taken/Confused/Crushing?
single pringle and i like it that way
10. Got any pets?
ya a cat
11. Whats your favorite animal?
whales they're so cute i just wanna cuddle them
12. Do you prefer having guy friends? Or girl friends? Why?
i prefer having friends gender doesn't really matter it's about the personality but i have no guy friends hAHA because i can't talk to boys
13. Had a bad/rough past?
nah
14. What are you looking most forward to in your future?
all the travelling and all the people i will meet and all the experiences i will go through
15. What’s your dream job?
i don't really have one but i've been thinking a lot about becoming a psychologist actually because i like interfering with people and to hear people's stories and problems is like my favorite thing ever and you make a lot of money so hah yeah
16. Got any goals/dreams? What are they?
nah not really i just wanna see a lot of countries and meet a lot of people
17. Judgmental?
i've been worse and i try every day to get better so yeah i'm working on it
18. Dramatic?
probably yeah
19. Loving?
i guess
20. Caring?
mostly
21. Whats something you look most for in a girl/guy?
humour
22. What kind of car do you have/want?
i'm not interested in cars so i don't really care
23. Beach or pool?
beach if there are no bugs and annoying birds near
24. Mall or park?
park
25. How many followers do you have?
like three hahahaHA
26. How long have you had your blog?
like a few months i think
lists /
/ 0 comments
uhh yeah so
date: 2013-06-26 time: 01:25:07
time: 01:25:07harry's hot but he's so big and awkward and bad at conversation and he's kind of a pushover and it makes me mad because if he wasn't famous i could totally seduce him and make him my slave
feels /
/ 0 comments
frågor okok
date: 2013-06-25 time: 23:48:33
time: 23:48:33think of the last person who said i love you. do you think they meant it?
yeah we're future spouses so let's fucking hope so omg
would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?
probably but i mean tbh i don't really think age should have a big impact bc if you like someone you do end of story
would you ever smile at a stranger?
uh yeah like i do that sometimes just to see their reactions and mostly it's fucking hilarious i should do that more often omfg
is there someone mad because you're dating/talking to the person you are?
lol i actually think there's a girl that's a bit jealous but i'm not gonna say anything cause i'm not entirely sure you feel me???
have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
yeah actually not only one song like at least more than five omg
what exactly are you wearing right now?
white lace panties omfg i should not tell you this intimate little stories but whatevs ilysm so y not
how often do you listen to music?
every hour of every day tbh i even have music playing on a low volume when i'm sleeping i think i'm obsessed but what to do right???
lists /
/ 0 comments
frågor ok
date: 2013-06-25 time: 23:47:08
time: 23:47:08could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
yes i mean i haven't smoked yet so why should i begin it's just beyond stupid omg
are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?
single and confused at the same time now that is something i'll tell you it's not fun ok
what if i told you that you were pretty?
oh yeah how about fckng no i'm sorry i'm tired i don't really even know what i'm thinking
ever been told "it's not you, it's me"?
yeah i just said that to myself so i guess sue me or what
are you interested in anyone right now?
i would have to murder you if i told you so you still want me to answer no didn't think so huh
what are you looking forward to in the next week?
idk maybe going to the land of the free and the home of the brave yeah
do you want to be single?
i don't like being an adjective no
lists /
/ 0 comments
questions actually worth answering
date: 2013-06-25 time: 21:50:00
time: 21:50:00apart from blogging, what do you like to do in your spare time?
cry over one direction write sucky poems and listen to indie music ya that's me
name a favorite of each: food, drink, color.
food: idk
drink: water
color: pink or something i don't know actually
if you married rich and your spouse gave you $100,000 a week, what would you spend it on?
unnecessary shit probs
name a favorite of each: book, movie, tv show.
book: i don't have any favorite actually omg i need to read more
movie: the notebook
tv show: supernatural!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you were given the opportunity to spend 48 hours with absolutely anyone (living or dead), who would you spend it with and what would you do?
harry styles and i would probably throw up on him or make a fool of myself in some other way so that probably wouldn't be such a good idea though.
name a LEAST favorite of each: food, drink, color.
food: rice pudding
drink: liquor
color: mossy green
what do you spend most of your money on?
food i guess
what kind of underwear do you prefer wearing?
comfortable and cute things
name a LEAST favorite of each: book, movie, tv show.
book: i don't really remember the names of horrible books tbh
movie: idk
tv show: ahhh what's it called i can't remember!!!!!!!!!! best days of our lives is also really bad maybe that one
if you were sat on a plane beside your favorite celebrity, what would you do?
throw up
what is the strangest thing you have in your room? (you are not allowed to explain why you own it)
omg i don't know
what is a wierd habit you have, or people have told you have? (wierd, not bad. no nail biting or any of that nonsense)
i kinda clear my throat in a sort of wierd way like it's not clearing my throat it's something else but it's even annoying me
what are five things you absolutely have to have in your dream house?
hardwood floors white walls a big kitchen furry carpets and big windows
if you could be reincarnated as any animal, which would you choose and why?
probably a dog because they seem to love everything and yeah i would love to love everything and everyone
which band (current or past) would you want to go on tour* with? (*travel with, not perform with)
oNE DIRECTION
name a favorite of each: band, album, song.
one direction, tourist history, what you know
why is your favorite band your favorite?
that's not an answerable question if you're in the fandom you would know
how many concerts have you attended? which was your favorite? least favorite? if none, who do you want to see live the most?
like three or four maybe and my favorite was without a doubt one direction's concert because i kinda let go of everything and just had the time of my life and danced and sang and screamed and cried and laughed and i was so happy and i saw harry styles aka perfection so how could i not love it and i think my least favorit was markus fagervall but i liked that one too so i really don't know i don't think i've attended a bad concert ever and i've already seen my favorites live but i would love love love to see ed sheeran live just imagine his voice liVE I MEAN??????
what is one of your favorite song lyrics? (who is it by?)
probably //kiss me// or //small bump// both by ed sheeran
who do you ship?
me and harry
what band merch do you own? if any, whose is it and when did you get it? if none, whose do you wish you owned?
i don't own a lot but i have things merch from 1d and shakira i think
how big is it?
not big at all
how did you learn of the band that is currently your favorite?
well i heard wmyb on the radio and it was all downhill from there
lists /
/ 0 comments
!!!?!!
date: 2013-06-25 time: 14:50:27
time: 14:50:27i want to get drunk with harry i bet he’s so cuddly and affectionate when drunk like just clings to ur arm and grabs ur shirt as u walk and he sits as close to u as possible and buries his face in ur neck while humming tunelessly and he says stupid things and cant quite control all of his limbs at the same time and u just have to take care of him and he loves it :(
feels /
/ 0 comments
12.48
date: 2013-06-25 time: 12:48:48
time: 12:48:48i love that i have like one reader here because it makes it so secretive and i love that because i can just let go of it all and just be myself completely and that's such a good feeling you know like i don't have to hide anything i really do recommend that you create yourselves a blog like this
now i'm rambling again and i guess that's a result of having no other brain activity than that which is completely consumed by travelling like i don't think about anything else and you wanna know something???????? it's exactly one week left and yeah that's probably why i can't form coherent sentences because as soon as i start or at least attempt to start thinking about what i should write my mind wanders back to travelling and yeah this is not exactly the easiest thing i've done
idek what i'm saying and i think i've managed to fit in those exact words in my three latest posts or something so haHA yeah
what's life??? /
/ 0 comments
sixteen small steps to happiness
date: 2013-06-25 time: 03:02:59
time: 03:02:591. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.
2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable.
3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.
4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else.
5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.
7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.
8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.
9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.
10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.
11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.
12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.
14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything.
15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.
16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.
deep thoughts and unpopular opinions /
/ 0 comments
2013.06.24
date: 2013-06-24 time: 21:28:11
time: 21:28:11hiii long time no see!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm rly not in the blogging mood anymore EVER but like i think i might have to push myself in on that territory again bc i'm gonna attempt and rly try my absolute best to keep all of u updated now when i'm going to america but like it's not like i have that many followers or anything but at least i'll be able to read it in the future or something wow i'm rambling i'm rly not in to this writing thing anymore it all just kinda flows out resulting in a terrible text so sry about that
today i went shopping with my mom and we also ate at a chinese restaurant idk what to say i just wanted to kinda test the waters u know since i've been away from here for such a long time so hopefully my writing skills will improve til it's time to travel
idek what language i will blog in i guess it depends on what feels natural over there so yeah maybe it will have to be swedish though bc like my relatives will probably read it idk how to feel about that bc i hate when ppl i know read what i've written and i have a terrible feeling that they will read the rest of my blog too and that would be awkward bc hARRY AND FEELS AND SMUT AND YEah pls stop reading this mom dad grandpa grandma or whoever it is
my head hurts bye
what's life??? /
/ 0 comments
